I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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