Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
