Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
