Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
