Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
