So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
