"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
