I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
