It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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