I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
