Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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