i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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