i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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