His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
