Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm just crazy horny about you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
