Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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