are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
