worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
