Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
