i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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