I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
