If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
