saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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