Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
