I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He felt like a one man threesome
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
