i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i have herpe
just one?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
