I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
