cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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