Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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