In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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