I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
