Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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