My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
please come you make the beer taste better
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
