I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
