We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
