Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
