I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
