you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think I won the penis lottery.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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