i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
