Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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