So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
