The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
