I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
