I think I died a long time ago.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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