All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my liver is dry heaving
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
