You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
