My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
