i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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