she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you had me at cake vodka
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Your penis caused this!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
