My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize