you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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