i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
