i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
