A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
