I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
