i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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