I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
