Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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