Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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