What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
