apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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