Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
