ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
