I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
