I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
