i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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