When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
